I need to understand these feelings inside me. I don't know where are we or what are we doing. It feels nice. I'm confortable. So confortable with everything. Every detail of our relationship seems fit for both os us. Just no - We say.

Why not?

What would change?
What harm could it do?

It has been forever since any of us went further than the tipical Just no. I'm not so sure that the idea of kissing him weirds me out so much anymore. It did once. Couple of years ago it did weird me out. It weird both of us out. Right now, I don't know anymore. Maybe it's the surrounding that confuses me. I would very much like to blame that. Them. They are in love and make both of us feel out of place. Maybe that's just it.

But what if it's not?

We both know we would work just fine as a couple. We are that confortable talking about it too. Just no.

I'm so confortable.

And then these feelings when he speaks about the god damn girl he first dated. After they break up, I never liked her to be honest. But now, it's just surreal. I'm so stressed out at the mere mention of her that I'm plain blunt, insensitive even, without wanting. It's eating me inside out. The everything of this situation it's eating me alive. And I'm allowing it.

I keep thinking if I think more and more about it I will get tired and Let it go. Just no.
It's not happening.

 I don't see an end.

I don't know what being in love feels like. I love him for sure, we have always been friends. But in love? To fall for him just like that, with a snap of someone's fingers at some unknown point in the curse of this summer? Nah...

If being in love is something like what I feel when I'm with him sometimes, like that evening in the river, then I want that. And, if it's not, I'm not sure I want it to be something else.

"Vamos oficializar isto?" - Os teus olhos malditos falaram mais do que qualquer coisa que tenhas dito.

What if I had played along? What would be of us now?

But I'm not talking to you am I? I'm talking to a blank page in the computer, confused as hell and without anyone to talk to. If you knew how important it was for me to leave the house today... you would have come to the river with me. And I would laugh this off without either of us knowing, instead of being here. Writing pixels in a blank.

And obviously the rest of the world is not helping. Even that it's just as normal as everything else.